Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.

Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

Hey Fugeddaboutit

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*