Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.