Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Any refunds available?…

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.