Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
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Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12