crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons


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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.


What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer


I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.


How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.


Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…


[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”


Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around


wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?