@__ariannalp

crap this virus is turning all the people into pigeons

#coronavirus

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@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@toomanytoes

What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@girlontapas

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

@RobElliottComic

Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@dru0887

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

@PatsATweetin

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?