Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
