Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Single and childfree like Jesus
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
#oldknees
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
couldn’t resist
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.