Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

her: kids grow up so fast these days

me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers

her: exactly!

me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot

my nickname in college

You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.