Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?

Me: Yes, Your Majesty.

Judge: Your Honor.

Me: Oh, Thank you….

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭