Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

I finally shaved my legs.

Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.

Me: I’m braver than any marine.

Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?

Me: Any, uh, marine animal.

Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles