*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
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I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
cyclists
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…