*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
People buying plungers never look happy.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…