Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

all my demons came for free. these must be organic.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

HIM: Do you have raisins?

ME: I have grapes and patience.

Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.