*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories