[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.