[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
This headline is a thing of beauty
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.