Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.