Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

Breaking news:

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

incredible