craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Blew out my flip flop…
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.