craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days