craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.