craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.