craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
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[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
my astrological sign is a french fry
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.