craving $300 all of a sudden
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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
This will teach them to underestimate me
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
🤣🤣🤣
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.