craving $300 all of a sudden
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stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.