craving $300 all of a sudden
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old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?