craving $300 all of a sudden
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️