Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
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If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.