Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season