Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

Very good news from my accountant

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.