Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

😂😭