*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks