Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’

Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

Friend: do you regret becoming a father?

Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Friend: you want the rest of my fries?

Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice