*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS