*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
You Might Also Like
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Expect the unexporcupine.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Kids: Stay in school.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.