Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@trentistweeting

[first date]
ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them
MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

@bvb1123

My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

@jctwritesstuff

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

@Sassafrantz

Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.

@Bearslietoo

A good sign that you’re not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@KalvinMacleod

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

@AlexvanBeek

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

@KKAlThani

Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.