*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The French cow says MEUX…
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.