*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
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I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
Close call…
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.