*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Talk about a bad egg
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.