*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!