*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.