*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
#growingpains
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.