*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
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and now we wait
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”