Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.