*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
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Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
the rocks need my help
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.