Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Wife: People are coming over tomorrow

Me: We should clean today

Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?

Me: We should clean tomorrow

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad