*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
When your parents check you’re ok.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Favourite diary entry ever
