Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Autocorrect is my menesis

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Ooh I do like a good funnel

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job

My Dog:

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?