*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
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Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Yes, but it was never about money
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.