Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

PLEASE READ

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?

Gang member: *cocks gun*

Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something