Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20