Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Money is the root of all wealth
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses