Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.