Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

Easy enough.

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

I feel attacked.

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works