Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
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Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Autocorrect completely socks
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*