[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.