Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

Once again not all heroes wear capes

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”