[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.