Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?

Me: of course! please come in!

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?

Me: Oh that’s not mine

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building

So glad we cleared that up

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here