crazy
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I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.