crazy
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How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.