Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.