Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
WHY?!
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.