Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

When you can’t find your friend Neil

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”