Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Godspeed, John Glenn
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
The French cow says MEUX…
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
