Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly