crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
No regrets in 2018
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.