Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…