Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

selfie game

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Me: I said you can’t eat candy.

4-year-old: I’m not eating it.

Me: I see it in your mouth.

4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?