crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
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The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
if you relate to me, get some help
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home