Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*

son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

💀💀

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

i want enemies

Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

*Someone compliments me*

Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.

My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*

Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.

Me: Why not?

Wife: Then we’d be in hell.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.