Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.