crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
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Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
What
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
He just like my cat fr
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you