Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.