Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
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R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.