Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Somewhere in an alternate universe

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”