Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*