Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Monday
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed