Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
taking June’s advice to heart
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams