Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Incredible customer service.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Same post same

I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

The 4 stages of a family vacation

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok