Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Voting for coroner

everyone’s a critic

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

when she block me on everything

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

twitter is a journey

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-

Order a “quickie”

then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Many hands make light work