@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

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@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@ComedicBust

[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@isabelzawtun

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

@pilau

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

@Gupton68

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

@ArfMeasures

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

@TheHyyyype

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@Kristen_Arnett

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon