Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Just a friendly reminder!
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what