Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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i think my razor is having a panic attack
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
What?!?
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron