Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Done the ad yet?”
“Yes, it’s already up.”
“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”
“More or less”
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
🖕🏻👽
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My dad is at it again
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Planet of the Apps.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?