Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday