crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
“A little help here, Danny?”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Too easy.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.