crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
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say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished
until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
🙀🙀🙀😹
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth