Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

couldn’t resist

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad