Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.